05 Aug 04
Envy Vs The Agincourt Life
I have been to two local nightclubs, The Agincourt and Envy, and to be honest neither made me go "well this is nice". This is the story of both.
First, Envy. I stood in a queue for about... 4 mins, where a large girl in a short skirt and pink top said that she had had two glasses of wine. The way she pronounced two glasses of wine suggested that she had either had considerably more then two glasses of wine or she got wasted at the thought of wine gums. Eventually she got rather annoyed with the bouncers and pushed over those silly little bollard things with the rope attached to them, and walked off- hips swaying like she was a human metronome.
Jesus fondled my bollocks
If I ever write an autobiography then that is going to be a chapter name; one of the bouncers, (who happened to be called Jesus), fondled my bollocks. I am not joking, he accused me of having an attitude too- me? An attitude, if I had an attitude I would keep it in a box under my bed. Anyway we got in, and I was searched. Now I am a sarcastic person at heart- sorry but it's just my personality.
Jesus had a rummage around in my wallet- where I have two library cards, (mine and my brothers), nice Mr Jesus said he was not interested in my business life, what did he think I did, borrow books from Farnborough Library under a false name? The fact that I would have had the same surname probably didn't occur to him.
Then he moved on to the chain. I have a chain which attaches my keys to my jeans. This is a dyslexic thing- if I put my keys down in a room I will forget where I put them by the time I have blinked, so I have them attached to me. Jesus wasn't impressed. I can see how a chain could be a weapon, but I am a nineteen year old male, not much more than five foot, with a hobbit bowl hair cut, and a worried expression- do I look like I am going to start trouble?
Anyway, we finally got in, and by this time I was pissed off and I was not going to hand over £5 to listen to the manufactured shite pop that was being blasted out of the speakers.
Anyway at this point I made it clear that I was not highly impressed with Envy and a group decision was made to abandon the Envy plan.
We now move back a week and a day to the 27th March where I entered the realm of the strange. I have never seen that many freaks and weirdoes in one place before, and I've been to Cornwall- I know of which I speak.
Welcome to the Adge
The Adge is a place where music is not so much played, as felt. The beer in my PLASTIC CUP, (they obviously don't trust the hordes of under 13s with real glass), moving to the beat of the music (its not real music- don't get me started on this, but real music is where the main beat comes from the spitting and not the bass or the drums).
If you go out with friends, you expect to be able to talk to them, and to be able to hear them when they talk to you. The Adge is possibly the worst place I have ever been, and I have been to both Wales and Swindon- I know about bad places. I would have put The Adge in the same box of not nice places as The Tumbledown Dick, although having been to the Tumbledown Dick I can say it's much, much worse. The Tumbledown Dick, isn't actually that bad, and I had quite a pleasant evening there with a musician friend called Ed. The Adge however has never appealed to me in the slightest. Dave was very pleased to see me there- almost wet himself laughing he did!
Inside there were a lot of very strange people, one guy was wearing a cape made from a bin bag? Perhaps he was a rubbish vampire? There were also loads of kids there, so I think checking for ID is not high on their priorities. There is a very strange method of dancing which seems to involve holding your arms out as though you are holding heavy bags of shopping, facing your head toward the ground and jumping up and down. Maybe I'm a spoil-sport, or maybe I just don't like looking like an idiot.
Needless to say, I didn't enjoy myself all that much, and I left at about 11.30. Still, I had spend at least an hour and a half there and hadn't caught anything- so that's an achievement. All in all, I think I prefer pubs; I understand those.